Divorce has, by far, the ugliest face i have ever seen.

I simply cannot go on like this. i work 13 hours a day, six days a week, so that i can afford to go to school and because of this, i am supposedly indifferent to the fact that my mom and dad are no longer together? bullshit. My mom doesnt seem to realize that i'm trying to be there for her without bringing up the split every time we sit down to have a casual conversation. She yells and screams about how perfect and faultless i see my father which couldnt be more off. Im not happy with my dad at all. he hardly even talks to me anymore. we was in puerto rico and i had no clue until he was on his way back. I cant even believe that he is the same person that he was before the divorce. I feel like i would have to hit the lottery for him to pay some positive attention to me. i just want to spend time with him and NOT talk about money or school. i miss him all the time. This is so fucking hard. This is the most horrible pain i have ever known. my life has been torn apart and i cant run from that anymore. my mom is pulling me in one direction, and in the other, my dad is walking away and im desperately trying to hold on to him.

it is 9:19.

im at work...still drunk.

it is going to be a long day.

good thing the night was worth it.

i would really fucking love to be treated fairly for once in my fucking life.

im sick of people intentionally making me feel like shit. DO NOT guilt trip me. DO NOT take advantage of me. take a step back and realize that divorce effects everyone in the family and not just you. suck it the fuck up. you make me sick.

While at work, all i do is daydream.

all. day. long.

facebook and Perez Hilton can only entertain me for so long so i just sit here and space out when there arent any customers and then im brought back to reality by some strange occurrence. for example, i was sitting here the other day and there were a few ladies eating breakfast outside at Zoe's and all of a sudden, a Gull attacks one of them and there were screams and cackles. Cut to me sitting in here all alone laughing my ass off simultaneously leaving a comment on one of steph's entries. i almost peed.

I'm saddened when really cute dogs walk by and i cant pet them. i cant run outside and be an annoying stranger that asks their name and ruffles their fur without even asking. They cant come in here either. i have to sit in this uncomfortable chair all day and tell people that if they dont buy a pair of maui jim sunglasses, their eyes will burn out of their skull.

there's one dog that i really love in particular. She and her owner live right next to the parking lot where i leave my car each day. her name is Miss Molly. She's a boxer and she always wears a red scarf around her neck. She's so pretty and she knows it. The first time we ever crossed paths, William and i were pulling out of the lot and she just walked out into the street and stood in front of my car. Her owner, Old Man Fillintheblank, said "oh she stops traffic everywhere she goes."

i really envy Old Man Fillintheblank for having a dog like Miss Molly.


"I'm never in my waking life.

Dreaming is my all the time.

Whether it's the weather or my mind,

It's all too much"

it feels like elephants trampling my hollow chest.

did you know that wearing cheap sunglasses dilates your pupils and lets more light in therefore hurting your eyes more than if you were to simply go without?

so either save your ten dollars and buy nothing or invest in a good pair.

just a fun fact that i picked up from Chris.(manager at new job selling designer shades)

jordans here!!!! yay!

to a group of friends in which there is little to no drama.

i love katie, brian, and will.

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom
then we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what its worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse

sometimes it seems that i dont have the skills to recollect
it twists and turns a plot that turned us from lovers to friends
im thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
and crack its weary spine and read to help remind myself.

So Debby(jenkins) texted me the other day and asked me to paly Joanne in another production Godspell htis summer and i was pumped. it seems as though its not happening anymore. this makes me sad. i was really excited for this and now its a no go so i guess im just posting to say "bummer." Oh well. maybe next summer.

i cant wait to be home for summer. i need to make some money so i wont be starving next year. plus, i miss the beach. then again, im also a million pounds heavier than i was when i left so where does that leave me?? i hate that "the freshman 15" is one of those things thats just flat out true for most people. i mean, i dont even have a meal plan and i still managed to gain weight. blah. oh well. i guess its just a fact of life.

News Flash: FACEBOOK IS GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

with the newly added instant messaging, people not only have a reason to forget about myspace, they can now toss AIM! im not saying that this is a bad thing. i happen to use the facebook IM but i just find it insane. its like a website monopoly. straaannngeeee.
which brings me to my next point. what will people call facebook IMing. because if i was like "oh yeah, she IMed me last night" people will assume it was on AIM. maybe we should say "booked."...hahahaha. this is funny to me for some reason. yeah im gonna start saying booked and see how many people make fun of me and how many people jump on the booked band wagon.

yum.

i think its funny when people decide to hate you for no reason. i think its even funnier that when they're asked why, they make up some outlandish fucking lie to justify themselves.

fuck you. i never thought you'd be the type to call someone a friend and then make shit up. you can fuck right off.

so two nights ago, i dyed my hair. nothing drastic, just a brownish red. i did it because i've been going through some tough stuff and i wanted to partially re-invent myself. i let it sit, washed it out, dried and straightened it...the usual process. i was pleased with the result...that is until my scalp started to itch uncontrolably the next day.

i went to health services a got some benedryl because i figured i was having a bit of an allergic reaction. i felt better for a while but i was pretty drousy because as we all know, this particular drug tends to have that effect. i went back to my apt. took a nap and when i woke up, my face felt a little tight. i looked in the mirror and this fucking shit made my face blow up. long story short, i had to go to the emergency room and they gave me some pills and now i look a lot better but i still dont look like myself.

i guess im just embarassed. i feel like everyone is looking at me even though they arent. i just want my face back!! guess i wont be dying my hair for quite some time.

when did it become cool to post pictures of yourself getting plastered and when did it become cool to post pictures of yourself peeing in various places.

this bullshit is ALL OVER facebook

i cant even explain how disgusted this makes me. i mean, everyone gets drunk sometimes and a lot of it is on facebook but drunk facebook pictures are totally different from facebook pictures that show people that are obliterated with their privates half out with piss running into a sink or down porch stairs. this is not cute! everyone is entitled to post whatever they want bu ti just have to say that this seriously bothers me.

friends dont post pictures of friends with their thongs around their ankles.

Rutgers Camden seems to be the school for me:

1. its $10,000 a year as opposed to phila u's $26,000 a year
2. it is still close to home
3. it is still close to Laura and Cait
4. its considerably more lively than phila u.
5. Sam and elise go there so i will already have friends.
6. there is a possibility that i could LIVE with sam! a plus indeed
7. yes its in the roughest city in the country but im tough as hell (im just going to keep telling myself that.)
8. They have Graphic Design!!!

this school just seems perfect a student in my situation. now its just a matter of getting in. we will see how that goes. i've missed the priority date for application but they are still accepting graphic design transfer students. im going to call and set up a meeting of some sort. see if they want to see my portfolio and all the jazz. so yay!

and if steph and i both go there...Yippeee!

i just got back from dinner with Sam and his parents. it was nothing short of awesome. we went to sakura so sam's dad was automatically hilarious. he went on about chop sticks and how proud he was of himself for using them. Mrs. Touzer went on about how "yummy" everything was which is not a surprise because "yummy" is a cute word and Debby Tozour os one cute lady.

when we got back, sams dad was telling me about how thier cat ,Buck, who is particularly soft sometimes climbs into bed with him at night.

"Hey! whats this soft thing?!" is what he said to descibe his feeling of suprise. haha! i almost died laughing. this will without a doubt be funny to shannon jones. "what the hell is this?!"

HAHAHAHAHA!

will, katie, bri and i went up to my apartment to spend the night. we drank gin and popov and Laura also drove up to hang out with us. today we woke up around ten and went to crackerbarrel(i dont really know how to spell that) and after, we went to the plymoth meeting mall then target.

this trip made me realize just how badly i need a fucking job.

i hate being broke. my clothes are so ratty. yucky banana.

besides my revelation of broke-ness, the trip turned out to be goodtimes.

I WANT TO SEE HORTON HEARS A WHO...and it better be good because it is my favorite dr. seuss book and if this movie sucks i will be disheartened.

Roo is in atlantic city until friday and while im glad that hes having fun with his friends, i pretty much just want him to get his ass home because i miss him so much. its sick. whenever im home, it makes me nuts to be apart from him even if its only for a short while. three days is something fierce.

something epic is going to take place tomorrow: I am going to hang out with Sarah Krafft. i can hardly contain my excitement. its been so long since we've gotten to see eachother. i cant wait to catch up and watch superbad. P.S. im in love with michael cera but who isnt AND when people refer to Jonah Hill as "the fat kid from Superbad" i want to kick them in the mouth.

i may have to transfer schools. according to dad, phila u is too expensive so the college search is on again i guess. whenever i think about leaving philly, i get really upset. im finally comfortable and now i have to leave. and dont even get me started about not being with Cait and Laura and Hannah. (my three best friends from school for those who are unfamiliar) this is honestly depressing.

im in a wierd mood...happy to be home, sad about school and mom&dad. happy because im having a fun week, sad because i miss roo i cant seem to find a job. im a wierdo. ah whatever. maybe something monumental is going to happen to be because of leaving phila u...i hope its something monumentally awesome. i just want to be worry-less...or semi worry-less.

cant complain about my life though. somebody always has it worse

according to tom gibbons, maxamillion hedt is back. thought you oughts know.

gin tastes like pine needles...i dont think i like it.

i feel like a wierdo treating facebook notes like a live journal but im so tempted to do it. this desire to recap resent events brings me back to my earlier days and my earlier days bring me back to lj, hence this entry after a very long break.

last night was something that i really needed

kate, brian, will and i all met up at kate's. we looked at some photos from after prom '05 which felt like being sucked into a black hole (assuming that black holes do infact allow time travle). seeing pictures of people like rachel pote, sean oneill, dave watson, john hale, joe pote, jason caparaso and Jordan & Derek with LONG HAIR were nothing short of throw back jams. there were also some cute ones of shannon jones that made me smile. Pat Rosencrants even made an appearance in one or two. i couldnt believe my eyes. It goes without saying that these pictures made me miss each and every one of these people regardless of how they may currently feel about me.

we then proceeded to look at some videos by the beloved moon princess of CHC which proved to be quite entertaining. there are no words...

when we left kate's we ended up in a number of familiar points in coho but we spent most of the night and moring at the shell bay pier. Steph showed up for a bit which was lovely as it always is. we basically talked about everything from kindergarten bus rides to politics. we also had more sing-alongs than than i can recall to count and we did this until the sun came up. we then went to the end of the dock and froze our asses off just to watched a blurry sun rise and took a couple of snapshots, all which are complete evidence that none of us slept. they were still beautiful though. will went pee about a thousand times. i think hes pregnant.

i guess the point of this entry is just to profess to the world that i love my friends. plain and simple. its good to be home for a while.

gotta love them cool guys.

i have made the final decision on my tatoo and it shall be...

salvador dali, feddie mercury and T.S.Eliot all holding hands.